An open letter apologizing to myself.


I had this thought occur to me not too long ago, and it was a realization on the nature of why I’ve been feeling unhappy about my life. And I wanted to explore that same thought and apologize to myself by making myself a promise on the internet that I will do better. That isn’t just a resolution of some sort, it’s an actual promise.
The reason that I have been so unhappy is actually very simple- I’m not doing anything to change my life for the better. I’m not making any positive changes to my lifestyle; all I come up with are ideas. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who deals with this sort of thing. We go through our day to day lives unhappy with the results we get, but we aren’t doing much to impact those results. New Years comes around and we make all these grand plans to change our lives completely, but we don’t realize it’s a process that unfortunately takes a significant amount of effort. We put in maybe about 5% of that effort, label it as progress, and then call it a day. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t work that way. I’ve been at this for years, and I’m only 21. I don’t want to keep living my life in this sad way. So many of my goals have been left unaccomplished, and it’s because I put everything off. I’ve tried to change things, but if I have realized one thing it’s that I haven’t persisted at doing the things that I know I need to do. I’ve only manage to persist in begging myself to do better, yet better things never happen. A lot of this has been attributed to personal mental health struggles; however, what in the world am I doing to help myself overcome those other than to think of ideas of future plans? Seeing a professional would be a fantastic start, Eva. How about making an appointment to figure out why you can’t seem to focus on a task for more than an hour at most?
I miss the days in which I had my life together for the most part. The many times I would spend hours upon hours at the library teaching myself Algebra and Calculus. How about those effective all-nighters? Not that I would let myself pull all-nighters anymore, but the ones that I pulled during my freshman year of community college were highly effective in the way that I approached them. They were only effective because I had a very decent amount of confidence and a definite plan to get stellar grades. That drive that I once had isn’t there anymore, and I have wanted it back for the past two years.
So, here is my promise to myself: Starting from now, I’m going to make an effort everyday to prioritize the important tasks in my life that I deem to be necessary to get done. These include my well being, my health, my happiness (this is very important), my classwork, my job (and pursuit of a future job), and (this is also extremely important) my chores.
I also want to be able to save money and budget it appropriately/responsibly. And working on my writing skills? Yeah. These things are important and by avoiding them, what am I essentially doing with my life other than wasting it away? Investing in all aspects of your future is important, guys. I hope this letter inspires others out there like me who are hopefuls.

Anything is possible, and I have proven it to myself before.

I love myself so much more than to let my impulsive and irresponsible qualities win.


[photo is of my effective study days]


Just Some Thoughts About This Weekend

I haven’t logged on in what seems like forever, but I decided I’d write a bit on what I’ve experienced these past few days following the Supreme Court’s nationwide legalization of same-sex marriage.

I found out the morning of, when I checked my text messages as soon as I was awake. The first text I opened was from a friend of mine (Brenna) and it read: “GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATES”. Best. Text. To. Wake. Up. To.

I was extremely satisfied with this. As I checked all other social media that I have, I came to realize that not everyone was as satisfied with the news as I was. Then again, it was obviously expected that there would be others angry with the Supreme Court’s sudden ruling. Nevertheless, I decided that this was much too great of news to let peoples’ negativity affect my happiness for the LGBT community.

I’m not sure if I ever mentioned that I live in Hampton Roads (Virginia). For those who didn’t know, PrideFest was occurring this weekend. Think Pride, just another version of it. I was saddened that I wouldn’t be able to go this year since work had scheduled me both days it was happening, however, one of my coworkers late Friday evening asked me if I would like to take her Saturday morning 6 am shift. She told me she dreaded working so early in the morning. I was ecstatic, since switching shifts with her would mean I’d be able to make it to PrideFest and I could celebrate along with everyone else. I agreed and I worked the following morning from 6 am until 2 pm. I mean, it was just my luck that ten minutes before my shift was up, it began pouring rain. Still, I had some form of hope that I would be able to make it and experience it with my friends. Unfortunately, it did end up being cancelled, but my friends just told me to meet them at the closest mall. Apparently, PrideFest wasn’t over- it had just been moved to that very mall. Not officially, but you know… meaning, I was still excited to get to my friends and all of my fellow happy gays.

I’d like to tell you all what I saw at that mall. I saw a very crowded mall, filled with a countless amount of happy people. No, not only did I witness smiling gay couples proudly holding hands, I witnessed families with children having a great time. It made me realize one thing- this weekend has made the majority of the nation feel a great amount of positivity. Amongst the vast volume of negativity that has been in the news over the past year, it was a much needed break. It’s not only positive, but incredibly beautiful. I only wish that those opposed to same-sex marriage unions would so much just stop for a moment in their frustrated ramblings of Sodom and Gomorrah to smile a bit for those who have been given the right to be wed. Of course, that is much too good to be true. However, we can only hope that one day they can see through the veil of their religious bias (just like they see through the various other “sins” that are supposed to be just as horrific as practicing homosexual acts// James 2:10- seriously religious folks, step up to the plate here). I sincerely hope that they can feel happiness for their fellow man, despite their conflicting beliefs.

Now to end this post on another note- I’m sad to say, not on a good one. I’d like to recount some of the things my family has said today in regards to “homosexuals”, but hey.. my family is one of God so it’s most likely okay for them to have said statements such as these. These aren’t quote-on-quote, but pretty similar. What? Do you really expect me to remember homophobic ramblings?

My father (late 60’s): “Homosexuals are taking over this country and Christians are being made out to be the bad guys here. These pedophiles are going against the origins of this great country.” Okay, he didn’t exactly word it in that way, but he did equate homosexuality to pedophilia.
My mother (early 60’s): *storms into my room four hours ago* “I just have to say, I did have some compassion for gays prior, but after reading this article I have absolutely no compassion left for any of them!” *hands me a printed article with written commentary* Thanks mom, how very thoughtful of you. Honestly, I don’t have the energy to find this article, but it was obviously written by somebody against same-sex marriage as he/she referred to human beings (attracted to the same gender) as “homosexuals”. Why was my mother so livid about the tragedy of gays finally having the right to marry? Oh, just that many “homosexuals” angrily said (and this time I quote): “Fuck your God, fuck your religion.”

I mean, I’m almost a week short of turning 21. Four years ago, I pretty much decided that I didn’t want to be apart of my family’s religion anymore for reasons such as this. Newsflash everyone, marriage equality would have been achieved a while ago if it wasn’t for small-minded people who kept pushing their own religious beliefs on an obviously secular country. What is your logic, Tea Partier? Do you really think that by upholding a ban on same-sex marriage you’ll fade away their sexuality? No, I don’t think so, sir. And I know, I know.. it’s the sanctity of marriage that the God-fearing people are worried about. But I mean, if we all have to take into consideration the sanctity of marriage, let’s start by banning divorce before we try to ban two people’s right to be married. Honestly, what will you accomplish by banning the union between a man and a man/a woman and a woman? You’ll gain your sanity, yes. Oh, but you’ll lose something much more valuable to you than that. You’ll lose the image of Christ that you try so fervently to portray as loving and accepting. I walked away from Christianity four years ago, not because I was “brainwashed” (as my father likes to say)- I walked away due to all of the hate-filled opinions and blatant discrimination I witnessed by world-renowned leaders of none other than the religion of Christianity. Sorry mom and dad, I want no part in it.

You Should Open Up To Somebody

I’m not sure how many of you have gone through something traumatic, no matter the degree of trauma it put you through, but if you know what I’m talking about then you also know how difficult it can be to tell someone about your experience.

For me, I never really went through anything terrible that stuck with me until my first and last (for now) boyfriend sexually assaulted me during our relationship around this time last year. I didn’t realize it was sexual assault until after we had broken up- mainly because I never stopped in my tracks to think about how wrong the situation was. A couple of weeks after we had broken up, the pieces finally started falling into place. I said “no” about 60 times (over a period of 2 or 3 months, mind you) before I gave into some of the things he asked of me. Some days we were sitting on his bed for 45 minutes as he insisted I take all of my clothes off. Once I realized what he did to me, I went through the very difficult process of accepting that it had happened and attempting to tell somebody due to how badly it was eating me up on the inside. I told about 7 of my friends which I considered close, but I still kept it to myself for the most part, never really telling others of my experience unless I really trusted them.

You might be wondering why I’m writing this post all of a sudden and opening up to the internet. The reason being is I managed to open up to my older sister tonight about the entire situation and it felt pretty wonderful once she told me she understood and didn’t judge me for staying with him as it was happening. I really felt the need to talk about the general issue of opening up to those close to you, regardless of what your situation may be. Keep in mind, nothing is too small of an issue to be considered “not as bad” as something else. For example, if somebody tries to convince a victim of sexual assault that they don’t have it as bad as a rape victim, that person is doing an extreme amount of harm to the person they’re talking to. Pain is relative to each and every person; a certain issue may not cause as much pain to somebody as another issue may. You never know how badly something may affect a person until you’ve seen it through their eyes, which won’t happen so you shouldn’t even bother trying to convince them that their experience isn’t relevant.

I kind of went off on a tangent for a while with this post, but I just had to get that message across, too. My main point is that whenever you feel comfortable talking to somebody about what happened to you, no matter if it’s a loved one or even a counselor, you should let go of your fears and tell somebody. Because nothing feels better than having your pain be understood. If it all goes wrong and the person you talked to ends up judging you or telling you that you could have done things wrong, don’t take them seriously because they have no possible idea how hard it was for you to go through what you did. Don’t ever let the harsh words somebody else says to you get in the way of your progress to acceptance and recovery.

Please do me a huge favor- love and take care of yourselves.

-xoxo, Eva.

Five Quotes That Will Help You With Your Goals.

Sometimes we go through rough patches in our day to day lives and we don’t realize how badly we need some basic inspiration until later on (and by that time, it might be too late to succeed at a specific goal which we have been striving for). In my own personal experience, taking time to not only read but reflect upon motivational quotes is one of the best ways to get yourself started on the path to your own success, whatever that may be for you. Another important realization that many people do not make is that the right quotes (and by that, I mean the ones which speak to you) have the incredible ability to shape you into a better person just by helping you realize that you want to be in a much better position than you currently may be. Keep in mind that these are being compiled as I’m writing this post, so there are many other incredible quotes out there- you just gotta find them!

1. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

2. “When you can’t change the direction of the wind, just adjust your sails.” – H. Jackson Brown Jr

3. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

4. “All of our dreams can come true if we just have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

5. “Change is inevitable. Progress is optional.” – Tony Robbins

Update: Life and Spring Break

Hey guys,
I feel as if I should post an update, because I haven’t posted anything at all in the past few months due to a couple of factors. For one, I was at a standstill with what I wanted to write about everytime the idea to write on this blog came to mind. I also have this weird thing going on where I have to make my blog interface the way I want it, exactly, before I continue on (which I have realized that in the case of this blog, it won’t happen for awhile since WordPress is really confusing the personalize for some reason). Anyways, moving on.. not sure if it’s the best idea to get very personal yet on here but I will give it a go since I am attempting to document my personal growth with this blog (at least that’s one of the reasons I started it). What I want to say is that I’ve been all over the place this entire semester. I swear to anybody though, it is completely unintentional. My mindset for this entire time has been to get my life back together and organized. I used to be an A and B student, and for some reason that has changed and I feel as if it is ten times as difficult to get back to the place I used to be. Things that go on in my life are getting to me a lot more than they did my freshman year of college (I’m a junior now) and I let the stress of them get in the way of my priorities. Ever since the summer, I’ve been planning out a huge list of things I want to get done (ex. clean my room completely and keep it clean, do all of my laundry once and for all, train my pet rats, budget my earnings, etc.)… but that hasn’t been working out due to me falling behind in my classes and working a few days a week. So you could probably say I am going through a rough time (even though these are first world problems and it’s pretty pathetic to refer to them as giving me a hard time since I’ve always been the kind of person to enjoy a challenge).

However, Spring Break is in fact next week, and I’m done with all of my classes for the week except for my Saturday morning (Chemistry 112 lecture; I’m retaking the class, btw). I plan on focusing all of my energy on relaxing, spending quality time with a few close friends, going to the gym, and catching up on my studies at the library as well as cleaning/organizing my room completely and doing the pesky laundry that has been waiting for me for a long time (just to clarify, I don’t just wear dirty clothes everyday… I wash the clothes I need for the week, but the rest of my laundry does in fact remain in what seems like a mountain in my closet). I really don’t know why I’m using so many parenthesis to make my points.. this entire post isn’t written very well, but it is in fact an update and reflection upon my life as of recently so please ignore how bad it is.

Also, I’d like to talk about something I’ve been doing before I go. My best friend, Liz, and I have taken on the challenge of drinking nothing but water for a whole month! I know, I know… because a month is sooo long, right? Both of us take the credit for this idea, even though she suggested we avoid soda for a month and I suggested we just go all the way if we’re going to cut soda out. What’s the point of cutting soda out for a month if you’re going to be drinking stuff such as Gatorade, iced tea, coffee, and drinks which are processed and that contain a lot of sugars, artificial colorings, and chemicals? Anyways, I finished my 10th day and am about to start on my 11th. Now, to be honest my plan was to switch over to zero calorie sparkling water and iced tea after two weeks of drinking plain water, but I’m reconsidering after seeing how great this has affected my skin. Let me just say, I have had severe problems with acne for the past two years and nothing has worked better to clear my skin up than going on a water binge. I recommend this to everybody currently reading my post.

Okay, well that’s really all I have to say right now. Maybe I’ll get back into the swing of things with this blog soon if I prioritize my life a lot better. Bye!

The Woman In Black 2: The Angel Of Death (Review)

Hi there world, I’m back. I didn’t get around to working on my blog during break like I said that I would, because I’m just a very lazy person and don’t stick to my goals very well. I’m trying to improve on that, though; so basically that just means I’m going to have to work on this blog while simultaneously taking two challenging classes
So here’s a fun fact: I’ve never written a movie review. I believe I’ve made a video review a few years back, though, when I had a YouTube channel (which I don’t have anymore, because I find it very cliché). However, this is my first movie review that I’m writing so bear with me. I also should note that it is currently 2 AM on a Wednesday morning (I’m going to post this later on whenever I can), so it might not be very well organized. My idea for my first review is to minimize organization and focus more on the depth of the actual review. And one more thing before I start this movie review; I have to give a shout out to one of my old friends, Roger, from middle school. He isn’t going to read this, because I haven’t told anybody about my blog yet for obvious reasons (hint: it has to do with me being new with blogging and that I’m also extremely shy to show anybody I know my content). Anyways, I’m diverting from the point. The point is, he is probably the main reason I started this blog, because he started a blog that purely consisted of movie reviews and he inspired me to start this. Of course, I’ve always wanted to start this kind of a blog, but I never did until I saw how cool his was- so thank you Roger, you rock.
Now, to get this review started. Last Wednesday, I decided to go see ‘The Woman In Black 2: The Angel Of Death’ with two of my friends. Let me just start by saying that I don’t go to the movies very often. In fact, most of the time I do go is to see horror movies that I have medium to high expectations for. You see, there’s a reason I choose to strictly see horror in the theaters. Seeing a horror movie at the movies is way different than seeing, let’s say, a comedy at the movies; you won’t get an adrenaline rush out of a comedy film- you can just wait until it gets released on DVD and save a ton of money that way (especially since you can now rent movies online for about $2.99 these days). So, I kind of strayed from the path of this review for a second there, but I feel like this information is relevant to what I’m going to be saying. I only agreed to spend my money on this film because I had pretty high expectations for it. I saw the trailer and it looked enticing due to the fact that the cinematography was done very nicely for a horror film. Also, the plot seemed very original for horror films in this day and age (we all know how repetitive those can be). For those wondering, you don’t have to watch the first one to understand the sequel; sure the storylines were concisely connected, but the characters and time era are different than the first movie. This movie took place during World War II (don’t quote me on that, I’m not a history buff and it wasn’t actually mentioned, just implied due to the artillery used in the war). The main character was a young woman in her early 20’s called Eve, and she was what I believe to be an assistant caretaker to a group of orphaned children who were supposed to go away to the countryside to be safe from the ongoing war. Eve, along with the group of orphans and the head caretaker, travel to the same secluded island to live in the same secluded house where the first movie took place. I’m going to try to not give away any major spoilers, but the entire movie revolved around the idea that “the woman in black” was trying to take possession of one of the younger boys and also, that every time somebody saw the woman in black, she would kill one of the children (as in, somehow make the child commit suicide). That is all I will say about the plot, along with the fact that there is a romance involved between Eve and a young man (not one of the orphaned children, obviously). I have to say that in my personal opinion, the first half of the movie was pretty terrific, but the second part wasn’t as good. I’ll compare it to what a lot of critics said about Insidious (2011); the first half was just outstanding, yet when it came to the second half it was almost as if the complete opposite. That being said, please take that comparison with a grain of salt- Insidious is one of my few favorite horror films just because of how great the first 60-80 minutes were. I will say this though, there is a very distinct similarity between Insidious and The Woman In Black 2 towards the end. However, this film didn’t come anywhere close to outstanding. It wasn’t terrible, but it didn’t deliver the scares- I’m very glad that it didn’t have too many jump scares, though. The character development was good for some characters and not so good for others. And one more thing, the graphics were not nearly as good as they could have been. I feel as if the directors and screenwriters did things differently and spent some more time on this movie that it could have been a very awesome horror flick, but then again I don’t know how much time was put into the making of it. I’ll say this, though- compared to the first installment it was a bit better, but not as much.
I’m sorry for being such a negative nancy, but I’m being as honest as possible. As a huge horror movie fan, I believe that each horror movie produced should be original and contribute something great to the horror genre. The second installment of ‘The Woman In Black’ only partially delivered, due to the fact that it was an original idea with the orphaned children. The scares and graphics did not deliver at all, though. If only more horror movies these days knew how to genuinely scare their audience by implementing some more psychological scares rather than visual ones… after all, horror is an art just as much as it is a genre. It should be approached the correct way or else the result won’t be very good.

If You Truly Believe That All Muslims Have A Terrorist Mentality, You’re Obviously Ignorant.

With the recent attack on Charlie Hebdo’s headquarters which was commited by radical Muslim extremists, there comes the expected comments from the right wing community. I thought I would share my own opinions on the mentality that a lot of Americans have towards people of the Muslim faith. Can we please focus on that one word- “people”? You know, human beings? I can and others can, but some people just can’t seem to get that we’re all, living, breathing human beings. We’re all the same inside; we’re just made up of different races, opinions, and yes, religions. That is the true beauty of humanity- that we’re all so incredibly diverse. What makes one person any better than another based solely on their faith? I know I’m going off on a tangent here, because this post isn’t supposed to be about diversity- it’s about how not everybody of one religion should be judged by a set stereotype. However, I needed to include it in just in case someone needed to hear it. Also, because some people just can’t seem to see people of the Muslim community as their equals. I mean, how could they be our equals? They’re all careless killers who have no conscience. Shame on them. Why can’t they convert and start praying to God instead of Allah? We all know that they’re both different. After all, it was their belief in Allah that influenced the attacks of 9/11, just like it was the belief in God that influenced what’s known as the “crusades”. Oh wait…

Now putting all sarcasm aside, see my point? You simply cannot stereotype somebody based on their choice of faith. Muslim extremists were the ones who launched the terror attacks of 9/11 and once again on Charlie Hebdo. I’ve seen comments stating that no Muslims are speaking against this entire thing, but I would like to say that I personally have. I know for a fact that many feel extremely offended and upset that these extremists are further fueling the terrible reputation that they have in the United States.

If you just thought about why we have thousands of immigrants of the Muslim faith, it’s because many of them are seeking shelter in the United States due to the fear that’s instilled in them in their native counties. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that fear is caused by radical acts done by terrorist groups such as ISIS. Nobody wants to live in an environment with so much injustice going on. Maybe, just maybe, people would like to practice their religion in a peaceful manner rather than a terror-infused one. Notice how I said “people”, instead of “Muslims”.

So to finish this post off, I would like to further clear up my point by saying that if you’re the kind of person to have the nerve to say that all people of a certain faith are automatically immoral, reconsider your entire argument. Reconsider, because you don’t have one. It’s just that simple. You can’t make presumptions about the kind of person somebody is without getting to know them first.

That is all.